if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We talked him into tasing himself.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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