The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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