Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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