Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
