I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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