i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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