My Higher Power is John Stamos
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
