Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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