we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
