life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
pray to the hookup gods
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
