its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
