There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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