I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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