I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
