mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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