why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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