I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
