i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
