I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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