I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
