We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
