if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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