I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
