My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
