I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
