I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Werenâ€™t Attracted To
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.