Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
