she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
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It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
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Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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