Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
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He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?