Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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