lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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