I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
