i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
