I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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