Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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