plz talk dirty to me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
