new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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