God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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