Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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