He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
