I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
