"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
