Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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