He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
