I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
