i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
