Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
