my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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