Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
