Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
