I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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