Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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