My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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