He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
