I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
