If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
