i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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