someone threw a dead crab at me
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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