dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
