I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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