So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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