life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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